Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
