Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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