I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
