I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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