Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
How does one acquire holy water?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
