I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
