You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Boobs speak an international language.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
