i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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