Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
