Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
