I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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