Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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