Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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