I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
