She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
