i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
