I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
