dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
