this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
