Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
