True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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