Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
