Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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