the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
