Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
