Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
