So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just pee around me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
