I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
