Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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