went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
