I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just want to make out with him forever
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
