I got chris browned last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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