Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
