theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
