my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
