I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't turn off my feet"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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