I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
