Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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