I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
That's how pantless uber rides happen
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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