his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
