I didn't shave. On purpose
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
