i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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