man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
