i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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