I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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