i can't believe i had my finger in that
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
