No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
