Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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