Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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