I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
