my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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